Author Topic: Joke Of The Day  (Read 393 times)

0 Members and 0 Guests are viewing this topic.

Online Texas Pete

  • Go Green
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 68185
  • Karma 5
Joke Of The Day
« on: January 04, 2019, 02:38:46 pm »

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?

 

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry

right now. "It's this ****," he says.

"It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

Funny stuff

 

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something.

"How about a bowl of soup homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

 

He declines. "The ****," he says, "really

trashes my desire for food.

 

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some

scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again.

 

"No," he says, "it's got to be the ****. I'm still not hungry."

 

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
"...don't keep the shovel receipt"

My Life is just a bunch of "It seemed like a good idea at the time" strung together.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter

Funny Funny x 1 View List

Online Texas Pete

  • Go Green
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 68185
  • Karma 5
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #1 on: January 04, 2019, 03:08:49 pm »
A man comes home from work and his wife meets him at the door.

She slaps the s*it out of him.

He asks: "What was that for?!"

She replied: "That's for being a bad lover!"

He thought for second or two then rared back and slapped her back, knocking her down.

She asked: "What was that for?!"

He replied: "That's for knowing the difference!"
"...don't keep the shovel receipt"

My Life is just a bunch of "It seemed like a good idea at the time" strung together.
Funny Funny x 1 View List

Online Texas Pete

  • Go Green
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 68185
  • Karma 5
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #2 on: January 04, 2019, 10:12:53 pm »

Pete
Member
Posts: 404   
 

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
"...don't keep the shovel receipt"

My Life is just a bunch of "It seemed like a good idea at the time" strung together.

Online Texas Pete

  • Go Green
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 68185
  • Karma 5
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #3 on: January 04, 2019, 10:15:01 pm »
A man received the following text from his neighbour: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

 

I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.

 

In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.

 

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

 

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,

and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

 

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn auto correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife"
"...don't keep the shovel receipt"

My Life is just a bunch of "It seemed like a good idea at the time" strung together.
Funny Funny x 1 View List

Online Texas Pete

  • Go Green
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 68185
  • Karma 5
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #4 on: January 05, 2019, 11:56:55 am »
A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners

The lady says, "Come Again!"

The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."
"...don't keep the shovel receipt"

My Life is just a bunch of "It seemed like a good idea at the time" strung together.
Funny Funny x 1 View List

Online Texas Pete

  • Go Green
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 68185
  • Karma 5
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #5 on: January 05, 2019, 02:22:22 pm »
Why did the sperm cross the road?
“Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.”
"...don't keep the shovel receipt"

My Life is just a bunch of "It seemed like a good idea at the time" strung together.

Offline SLY WEST

  • Forum Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 37910
  • Karma 1953
  • db
    • imgur
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #6 on: January 07, 2019, 03:58:15 pm »
If you want to know if dogs truly are mans best heres how to find out, put your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car and drive 5 miles, open the trunk and see which one is glad to see you.
Funny Funny x 1 View List

Online Texas Pete

  • Go Green
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 68185
  • Karma 5
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #7 on: January 07, 2019, 04:03:20 pm »
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.
"...don't keep the shovel receipt"

My Life is just a bunch of "It seemed like a good idea at the time" strung together.
Funny Funny x 1 View List

Online Texas Pete

  • Go Green
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 68185
  • Karma 5
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #8 on: January 07, 2019, 07:07:18 pm »
A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office.
“The doctor walks in: ‘Sir, I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.’

Patient: ‘I don’t understand, doc. Why?’

Doctor: ‘Because I’m trying to examine you.
"...don't keep the shovel receipt"

My Life is just a bunch of "It seemed like a good idea at the time" strung together.

Online Texas Pete

  • Go Green
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 68185
  • Karma 5
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #9 on: January 08, 2019, 08:23:31 am »
What do Clemson and the moon have in common?

They both control the tide.
"...don't keep the shovel receipt"

My Life is just a bunch of "It seemed like a good idea at the time" strung together.
Funny Funny x 1 View List

Online Texas Pete

  • Go Green
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 68185
  • Karma 5
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #10 on: January 08, 2019, 09:43:57 pm »
Why do mice have such small balls?
“So few of them know how to dance.”
"...don't keep the shovel receipt"

My Life is just a bunch of "It seemed like a good idea at the time" strung together.

Online Texas Pete

  • Go Green
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 68185
  • Karma 5
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #11 on: January 13, 2019, 12:04:36 pm »
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. 'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks 'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'

"...don't keep the shovel receipt"

My Life is just a bunch of "It seemed like a good idea at the time" strung together.

Offline purplelady1040

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4192
  • Karma 120
  • Living the perfect life for me.
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #12 on: January 13, 2019, 06:09:21 pm »
A taxi cab driver picks up a nun and stares at the nun.  The nun asked him why was he staring and he said it was always a fantasy of his to kiss a nun. The nun said I will let you kiss me on two conditions,  you have to be single and Catholic.  The cabbie said I am both, the nun said pull over in that alley. The nun then lays a kiss on him that would make a hooker blush. The cab driver after the kiss starts crying. The nun ask why he was crying and he said I lied, I am married and Jewish. The nun said that's okay, my name is Kevin and I am headed to a Halloween costume party.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
Funny Funny x 2 View List

Online Texas Pete

  • Go Green
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 68185
  • Karma 5
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #13 on: January 16, 2019, 05:10:36 pm »
Haha! Click on to enlarge.

[ Guests cannot view attachments ]
"...don't keep the shovel receipt"

My Life is just a bunch of "It seemed like a good idea at the time" strung together.

Online Texas Pete

  • Go Green
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 68185
  • Karma 5
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #14 on: January 16, 2019, 05:18:03 pm »
Wow! Click on image to enlarge.


[ Guests cannot view attachments ]
"...don't keep the shovel receipt"

My Life is just a bunch of "It seemed like a good idea at the time" strung together.

Online Texas Pete

  • Go Green
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 68185
  • Karma 5
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #15 on: January 16, 2019, 05:23:04 pm »
Memes count right?

[ Guests cannot view attachments ]
"...don't keep the shovel receipt"

My Life is just a bunch of "It seemed like a good idea at the time" strung together.
Funny Funny x 1 View List

Online Texas Pete

  • Go Green
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 68185
  • Karma 5
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #16 on: January 16, 2019, 05:30:39 pm »
"...don't keep the shovel receipt"

My Life is just a bunch of "It seemed like a good idea at the time" strung together.

Online Texas Pete

  • Go Green
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 68185
  • Karma 5
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #17 on: January 17, 2019, 10:21:24 am »
A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

Husband: "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." Wife: "How do I do it without surgery?"Husband: "Just rub toilet paper between them".

Startled, the wife asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

Husband: "I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
"...don't keep the shovel receipt"

My Life is just a bunch of "It seemed like a good idea at the time" strung together.
Funny Funny x 3 View List