Author Topic: Joke Of The Day  (Read 597 times)

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Offline Prince

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Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #36 on: March 20, 2019, 04:24:57 pm »
I hope that was only a joke.
Damn
I'm sure it was.
Sometimes We Would Like To Change Our Past, But We Need To Realize That The Past Has Already Changed Us.

Offline Cygnus-X1

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Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #37 on: March 20, 2019, 04:50:56 pm »
I'm sure it was.
Thatís a relief 😅
Many 🙏
Some see space as the void and time as a constant when neither is true.
Cygnus-X1

You don't get rich writing science fiction. If you want to get rich, you start a religion.
~ L. Ron Hubbard

Online Texas Pete

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Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #38 on: April 11, 2019, 09:03:17 pm »


Joke for the week ending December 25, 2010:

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Online Texas Pete

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Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #39 on: April 11, 2019, 09:05:11 pm »
My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them
Did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.
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Online Texas Pete

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Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #40 on: April 11, 2019, 09:17:50 pm »


A guy named Pete gets a job as a switchman with the railroad, and undergoes weeks of training. The supervisor then takes him into the switch booth to test his readiness. The following exchange takes place:

Supervisor: "Imagine you were sitting here alone and you learned there was a train coming from the North on that track, and another coming from the South on the same track. What would you do?"

Pete: "I'd throw this switch right here and put one train on the other track."

Supervisor: And what if that switch didn't work?"

Pete: "I'd go down to the track and throw that big switchlever there, putting one train on the other track."

Supervisor: "And what if that switchlever didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd come back here and call the dispatcher to stop both trains."

Supervisor: "And what if the phone didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd go to that gas station across the street and use their phone."

Supervisor: "And what if their phone didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd go get Uncle Joe."

Supervisor: "Uncle Joe??? What would he do?"

Pete: "Nothing, but he ain't never seen a train wreck."
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Offline cowface

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Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #41 on: April 11, 2019, 09:21:29 pm »
Thanks Pete for jokes. Telling jokes is a true gift to some such as you and others... but not me. I can't ...but I enjoy hearing them.

Offline Papa Smurf

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Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #42 on: April 12, 2019, 05:06:26 am »
Texting Abbreviations for the Elderly:

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friendís Funeral
BTW: Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Canít Get Up
CR: Can't Remember
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DTAF: Donít Trust A Fart
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWBB: Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
FYI: For Your Indigestion.
GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
GOML: Get Off My Lawn
GTG: Got the Gout
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHMO: In My HMO...
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
JK: Just Kvetching
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welkís On
MGAD: My Grandsonís A Doctor
MILF: Meal I'd Like To Forget
OMG: Ouch, My Groin!
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
PIMP: Pooped In My Pants
ROFL CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing, and Canít Get Up
RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money?
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
SUS: Speak Up, Sonny
TGIF: Thank Goodness It's Four (Four O'Clock - Early Bird Special)
TLC: Totally Lost Continence
TOT: Texting on Toilet
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WIWYA: When I Was Your Age
WTF: Wet the Floor
WTP: Whereís The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

Online Texas Pete

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Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #43 on: May 12, 2019, 09:02:14 am »
Lottery Blonde A blonde wanted to win the lotto so she prayed to god, and she lost. Next week she prayed to god again, and she lost. The week after she prayed to god, and she lost. She said to god, why wont you let me win? God actually replied, How about buying a ticket first?

Offline Papa Smurf

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Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #44 on: May 13, 2019, 04:12:12 am »
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and
asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused.
explains to the woman they don't sell
rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the
pharmacist that she has been buying
the stuff from this store on a regular
basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist
"we don't have any."

"But I always buy it here," insists
the blonde.

"Do you have the container it
came in?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yes" says the blonde, "I'll go home
and get it."

She returns with the container and
hands it to the pharmacist who looks
at it and says to her, " This is just a
normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the
container back and reads out loud
from the container, " TO APPLY,
PUSH UP BOTTOM."

Offline Jemima721

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Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #45 on: May 14, 2019, 05:46:01 am »
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and
asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused.
explains to the woman they don't sell
rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the
pharmacist that she has been buying
the stuff from this store on a regular
basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist
"we don't have any."

"But I always buy it here," insists
the blonde.

"Do you have the container it
came in?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yes" says the blonde, "I'll go home
and get it."

She returns with the container and
hands it to the pharmacist who looks
at it and says to her, " This is just a
normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the
container back and reads out loud
from the container, " TO APPLY,
PUSH UP BOTTOM."

Hilarious !  :)

Offline Jemima721

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Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #46 on: May 14, 2019, 05:47:40 am »
A joke about me ; )

How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to check for animal ingredients.

Offline Cygnus-X1

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Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #47 on: May 14, 2019, 01:55:43 pm »
A joke about me ; )

How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to check for animal ingredients.
lol
Some see space as the void and time as a constant when neither is true.
Cygnus-X1

You don't get rich writing science fiction. If you want to get rich, you start a religion.
~ L. Ron Hubbard

Offline UT

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Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #48 on: May 14, 2019, 02:15:50 pm »
Why was 6 afraid of 7!?!?

Cause...

7 8 9...

😄

Offline Jemima721

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Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #49 on: May 15, 2019, 02:28:05 am »
Why was 6 afraid of 7!?!?

Cause...

7 8 9...

😄

😂🤣

Offline UT

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Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #50 on: May 15, 2019, 10:18:43 am »


😄

Offline Papa Smurf

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Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #51 on: May 16, 2019, 04:17:23 am »
T H  E   I T A L I A N E L B O  W
 
An  Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You comma to de front door of  the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301.

 
There issa bigga  panel at the front door.  With you elbow , pusha  button 301.  I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is  on the right. Get in, and with you elbow , pusha  3.

 
When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all  these buttons with my elbow? ............
   
"What .. . .. .. .. You coming empty handed?"

Offline Papa Smurf

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Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #52 on: May 16, 2019, 04:19:05 am »
Italian Mothers:

Rocco excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is
going to get married.

He says, 'Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you
try and guess which one I'm going to marry.'

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and
sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says,

'Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry?'.

She immediately replies, 'The one on the right.'

That's amazing, Ma.

You're right.

How did you know ??????'.

The Italian mother replied:

'I don't like her.'.

Offline UT

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Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #53 on: May 16, 2019, 07:38:27 am »
T H  E   I T A L I A N E L B O  W
 
An  Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You comma to de front door of  the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301.

 
There issa bigga  panel at the front door.  With you elbow , pusha  button 301.  I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is  on the right. Get in, and with you elbow , pusha  3.

 
When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all  these buttons with my elbow? ............
   
"What .. . .. .. .. You coming empty handed?"

LMFAO!!!

That's right!!! Never go empty handed!!!

😂