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General Chat And Non Game Boards => General Chat (No Games Threads Please) => Topic started by: Texas Pete on January 04, 2019, 02:38:46 pm
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A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry
right now. "It's this ****," he says.
"It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
Funny stuff
At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something.
"How about a bowl of soup homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The ****," he says, "really
trashes my desire for food.
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some
scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again.
"No," he says, "it's got to be the ****. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
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A man comes home from work and his wife meets him at the door.
She slaps the s*it out of him.
He asks: "What was that for?!"
She replied: "That's for being a bad lover!"
He thought for second or two then rared back and slapped her back, knocking her down.
She asked: "What was that for?!"
He replied: "That's for knowing the difference!"
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Pete
Member
Posts: 404
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
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A man received the following text from his neighbour: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,
and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn auto correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife"
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A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners
The lady says, "Come Again!"
The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."
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Why did the sperm cross the road?
“Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.”
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If you want to know if dogs truly are mans best heres how to find out, put your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car and drive 5 miles, open the trunk and see which one is glad to see you.
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How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.
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A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office.
“The doctor walks in: ‘Sir, I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.’
Patient: ‘I don’t understand, doc. Why?’
Doctor: ‘Because I’m trying to examine you.
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What do Clemson and the moon have in common?
They both control the tide.
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Why do mice have such small balls?
“So few of them know how to dance.”
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A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. 'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks 'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'
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A taxi cab driver picks up a nun and stares at the nun. The nun asked him why was he staring and he said it was always a fantasy of his to kiss a nun. The nun said I will let you kiss me on two conditions, you have to be single and Catholic. The cabbie said I am both, the nun said pull over in that alley. The nun then lays a kiss on him that would make a hooker blush. The cab driver after the kiss starts crying. The nun ask why he was crying and he said I lied, I am married and Jewish. The nun said that's okay, my name is Kevin and I am headed to a Halloween costume party.
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Haha! Click on to enlarge.
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Wow! Click on image to enlarge.
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Memes count right?
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Memes count right?
Haha, yes they do!
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A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Husband: "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." Wife: "How do I do it without surgery?"Husband: "Just rub toilet paper between them".
Startled, the wife asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
Husband: "I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
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Morning!
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Little Johnny sitting on the curb tossing a vial up in the air and catching it, a priest walks up and asked what was in the vial, little johnny replied this is some potent stuff father, its hydrochloric acid, the priest pulls a jar of holy water from his robe and replied to Johnny, this is very powerful stuff too son, I can rub some on a Ladys stomach and she'll pass a baby, little Johnny said that aint nothing father, I can rub some of this on a dog's ass and it'll pass a motorcycle!
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Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."
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Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, "Ethel, you know I'm 87 years old now. If I don't ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance." Once again Ethel replied, "Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple's conversation and said, "Listen folks, I'll make a deal with you. I'll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say just one word, it's 50 dollars."
Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter. The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel. The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still there wasn't so much as one word said. When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, "Wow! I've got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn't. I'm really impressed!"
Walter replied, "Well to be honest I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!"
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I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.
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A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."
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A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."
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A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."
Hahahahaha
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One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents. "Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"
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Sex and Good Grammar
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonfuland then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
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Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant. The burnette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy". The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved. The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".
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Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard him say:
"One and one, the son-of-a-**** is two."
"Two and two, the son-of-a-**** is four."
"Three and three"
His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Margo taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework.
The next day she stormed into Little Johnny's classroom and confronted Ms. Margo. She told her about Little Johnny's different way of doing math, and his claims that Ms. Margo taught it that way to the class.
The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Little Johnny had said that. Then suddenly, Ms Margo exclaimed, "Oh, I know, here in school we say: one and one, the sum-of-which is two!"
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Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,"Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming"If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
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Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
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Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
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Lmao 🤣
I like the good jokes Ricky!
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Here is something you may like.
https://youtu.be/I-Tc9s41lME
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I hope that was only a joke.
Damn
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I hope that was only a joke.
Damn
I'm sure it was.
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I'm sure it was.
That’s a relief 😅
Many 🙏
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Joke for the week ending December 25, 2010:
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them
Did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.
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A guy named Pete gets a job as a switchman with the railroad, and undergoes weeks of training. The supervisor then takes him into the switch booth to test his readiness. The following exchange takes place:
Supervisor: "Imagine you were sitting here alone and you learned there was a train coming from the North on that track, and another coming from the South on the same track. What would you do?"
Pete: "I'd throw this switch right here and put one train on the other track."
Supervisor: And what if that switch didn't work?"
Pete: "I'd go down to the track and throw that big switchlever there, putting one train on the other track."
Supervisor: "And what if that switchlever didn't work?"
Pete: "Then I'd come back here and call the dispatcher to stop both trains."
Supervisor: "And what if the phone didn't work?"
Pete: "Then I'd go to that gas station across the street and use their phone."
Supervisor: "And what if their phone didn't work?"
Pete: "Then I'd go get Uncle Joe."
Supervisor: "Uncle Joe??? What would he do?"
Pete: "Nothing, but he ain't never seen a train wreck."
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Thanks Pete for jokes. Telling jokes is a true gift to some such as you and others... but not me. I can't ...but I enjoy hearing them.
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Texting Abbreviations for the Elderly:
ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend’s Funeral
BTW: Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can’t Get Up
CR: Can't Remember
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DTAF: Don’t Trust A Fart
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWBB: Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
FYI: For Your Indigestion.
GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
GOML: Get Off My Lawn
GTG: Got the Gout
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHMO: In My HMO...
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
JK: Just Kvetching
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
MGAD: My Grandson’s A Doctor
MILF: Meal I'd Like To Forget
OMG: Ouch, My Groin!
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
PIMP: Pooped In My Pants
ROFL CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing, and Can’t Get Up
RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money?
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
SUS: Speak Up, Sonny
TGIF: Thank Goodness It's Four (Four O'Clock - Early Bird Special)
TLC: Totally Lost Continence
TOT: Texting on Toilet
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WIWYA: When I Was Your Age
WTF: Wet the Floor
WTP: Where’s The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
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Lottery Blonde A blonde wanted to win the lotto so she prayed to god, and she lost. Next week she prayed to god again, and she lost. The week after she prayed to god, and she lost. She said to god, why wont you let me win? God actually replied, How about buying a ticket first?
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A blonde walks into a pharmacy and
asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused.
explains to the woman they don't sell
rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the
pharmacist that she has been buying
the stuff from this store on a regular
basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist
"we don't have any."
"But I always buy it here," insists
the blonde.
"Do you have the container it
came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes" says the blonde, "I'll go home
and get it."
She returns with the container and
hands it to the pharmacist who looks
at it and says to her, " This is just a
normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the
container back and reads out loud
from the container, " TO APPLY,
PUSH UP BOTTOM."
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A blonde walks into a pharmacy and
asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused.
explains to the woman they don't sell
rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the
pharmacist that she has been buying
the stuff from this store on a regular
basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist
"we don't have any."
"But I always buy it here," insists
the blonde.
"Do you have the container it
came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes" says the blonde, "I'll go home
and get it."
She returns with the container and
hands it to the pharmacist who looks
at it and says to her, " This is just a
normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the
container back and reads out loud
from the container, " TO APPLY,
PUSH UP BOTTOM."
Hilarious ! :)
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A joke about me ; )
How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to check for animal ingredients.
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A joke about me ; )
How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to check for animal ingredients.
lol
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Why was 6 afraid of 7!?!?
Cause...
7 8 9...
😄
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Why was 6 afraid of 7!?!?
Cause...
7 8 9...
😄
😂🤣
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(https://i.imgur.com/R8FTq7F.jpg)
😄
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T H E I T A L I A N E L B O W
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301.
There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow , pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow , pusha 3.
When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ............
"What .. . .. .. .. You coming empty handed?"
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Italian Mothers:
Rocco excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is
going to get married.
He says, 'Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you
try and guess which one I'm going to marry.'
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and
sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says,
'Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry?'.
She immediately replies, 'The one on the right.'
That's amazing, Ma.
You're right.
How did you know ??????'.
The Italian mother replied:
'I don't like her.'.
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T H E I T A L I A N E L B O W
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301.
There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow , pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow , pusha 3.
When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ............
"What .. . .. .. .. You coming empty handed?"
LMFAO!!!
That's right!!! Never go empty handed!!!
😂
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Why did the guy throw butter out the window!?!?
Cause...
He wanted to see a butterfly!!!
😄
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LMFAO!!!
That's right!!! Never go empty handed!!!
😂
Should at least be carrying a cube of Pepsi in each hand, eh UT?
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Should at least be carrying a cube of Pepsi in each hand, eh UT?
That's right!!!
You can never go wrong when packing Pepsi!!!
😂
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What's the best part of Switzerland!?!?
I don't know...
But the flag is a big plus...
😄
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(https://i.imgur.com/DvfJMdz.jpg)
😄
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Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)
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A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners
The lady says, "Come Again!"
The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."
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(https://i.imgur.com/IY1EjBq.jpg)
😄
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A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather beautiful blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a nice looking woman would be waving to him. Although she looks familiar, but he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies "I think you're the father of one of my children."
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.
"Holy ****," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"
"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher..."
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A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather beautiful blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a nice looking woman would be waving to him. Although she looks familiar, but he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies "I think you're the father of one of my children."
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.
"Holy ****," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"
"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher..."
🤣
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Ha!!!
(https://i.imgur.com/ie6QHhZ.jpg)
😄
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What does a 75 year old women have between her breast that a 25 year old doesn't......
Her Navel
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What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken Have In Common
By The Time You're finished with the Breast and Thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
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Little Johnny sees little Susie sitting on a bench in front of the school crying, why you crying asks Johnny, because I dont have any candy money says Susie. Little Johnny says I'll give you candy money if you'll climb the flag pole, up the pole goes little Susie, Johnny gives her the money, when Susie got home her mom asks where she got the candy and Susie tells her, Johnny just wants to look up your dress and see your Panties says her mom. The next day Johnny asks her to climb the flag pole and he'd give her twice the candy so up the pole she went, when she got home mom says Susie, I told you Johnny just wants to see your panties so don't do that again. The next day Susie comes home with a huge bag of Candy and her mom is livid, I told you all little Johnny wants to do is look up your dress and see your panties to which little Susie replies "well the jokes on little Johnny because I didnt wear any panties today!"
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I met a Prostitute the other day that said for 100 $ she'd do anything I wanted her to, I told her to put a new roof on the barn.
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Once upon a time there was a pirate captain who was the most amazing best captain a crew could ever ask for. His crew loved him more than anything and would do absolutely anything for him.
One day as they were sailing, a crew member In the crows nest shouts, “one ship off the port side!” Immediately the captain yells at his crew, “Men! Bring me my red shirt!”
Slightly confused, the men hesitate for a second and then hurry off to bring the captain his red shirt. Amazingly they win the battle!
The men are so happy and thankful their captain brought them safely through the battle they don’t even care why the captain wanted his red shirt.
A few months of sailing some more, again the man in the crows nest yells, “Two ships off the port side!” Quickly the captain screams, “Men! Bring me my red shirt!” The crew doesn’t hesitate this time to get him his red shirt and what do you know? They win this battle too!!
The crew is astounded at their captains awesomeness!!! They honestly could not find anyone better. This time though the crew stops a moment and asks the captain, “Why do you always have us bring you your red shirt?”
The captain replies, “Well men, if I get stabbed the blood will blend into my red shirt and it will look like I’m not hurt so that you will all fight as hard as if I were still alive.”
The men can’t believe what they hear! How could they be so lucky as to have a captain so incredibly smart and courageous??!!
Two seconds later, “TWENTY SEVEN SHIPS OFF THE PORT SIDE!!!!!!!”
Calmly, with an even tone, the captain says, “Men, bring me my brown pAnts
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It took me two hours to grill a chicken the other day…
And it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road…
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Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."