Author Topic: Joke Of The Day  (Read 393 times)

0 Members and 0 Guests are viewing this topic.

Online Texas Pete

  • Go Green
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 68185
  • Karma 5
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #18 on: January 17, 2019, 11:36:43 am »
Morning!

[ Guests cannot view attachments ]
"...don't keep the shovel receipt"

My Life is just a bunch of "It seemed like a good idea at the time" strung together.
Funny Funny x 3 View List

Offline SLY WEST

  • Forum Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 37910
  • Karma 1953
  • db
    • imgur
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #19 on: January 20, 2019, 04:38:06 pm »
Little Johnny sitting on the curb tossing a vial  up in the air and catching it, a priest walks up and asked what was in the vial, little johnny replied this is some potent stuff father, its hydrochloric acid, the priest pulls a jar of holy water from his robe and replied to Johnny, this is very powerful stuff too son, I can rub some on a Ladys stomach and she'll pass a baby, little Johnny said that aint nothing father, I can rub some of this on a dog's ass and it'll pass a motorcycle!
Funny Funny x 3 View List

Offline Ricky F

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 106
  • Karma 20
  • Yep it's me!
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #20 on: January 21, 2019, 06:42:09 am »
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."
Funny Funny x 2 View List

Offline Ricky F

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 106
  • Karma 20
  • Yep it's me!
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #21 on: January 21, 2019, 06:43:10 am »
Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, "Ethel, you know I'm 87 years old now. If I don't ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance." Once again Ethel replied, "Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple's conversation and said, "Listen folks, I'll make a deal with you. I'll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say just one word, it's 50 dollars."

Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter. The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel. The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still there wasn't so much as one word said. When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, "Wow! I've got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn't. I'm really impressed!"

Walter replied, "Well to be honest I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!"
Funny Funny x 2 View List

Offline Voyeur

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 16
  • Karma 6
  • Donkeys favorite friend!
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #22 on: January 21, 2019, 07:50:37 am »
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.
Funny Funny x 3 View List

Offline Voyeur

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 16
  • Karma 6
  • Donkeys favorite friend!
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #23 on: January 22, 2019, 06:20:45 am »
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."
Funny Funny x 2 View List

Offline Ricky F

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 106
  • Karma 20
  • Yep it's me!
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #24 on: January 29, 2019, 07:10:53 am »
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."
Funny Funny x 1 View List

Offline purplelady1040

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4192
  • Karma 120
  • Living the perfect life for me.
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #25 on: January 29, 2019, 07:32:25 am »
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."
Hahahahaha
You never get a second chance to make a first impression.

Offline Ricky F

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 106
  • Karma 20
  • Yep it's me!
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #26 on: February 04, 2019, 01:26:47 pm »
One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents. "Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"

Offline Ricky F

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 106
  • Karma 20
  • Yep it's me!
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #27 on: February 05, 2019, 06:39:29 am »
Sex and Good Grammar

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.     

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonfuland then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you  want."     

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"   

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."     

The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"     

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Funny Funny x 2 View List

Online Texas Pete

  • Go Green
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 68185
  • Karma 5
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #28 on: February 06, 2019, 09:24:29 am »
Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant. The burnette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy". The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved. The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".

"...don't keep the shovel receipt"

My Life is just a bunch of "It seemed like a good idea at the time" strung together.
Funny Funny x 2 View List

Offline Voyeur

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 16
  • Karma 6
  • Donkeys favorite friend!
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #29 on: February 08, 2019, 06:22:19 am »
Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard him say:

"One and one, the son-of-a-**** is two."
"Two and two, the son-of-a-**** is four."
"Three and three"

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Margo taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework.

The next day she stormed into Little Johnny's classroom and confronted Ms. Margo. She told her about Little Johnny's different way of doing math, and his claims that Ms. Margo taught it that way to the class.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Little Johnny had said that. Then suddenly, Ms Margo exclaimed, "Oh, I know, here in school we say: one and one, the sum-of-which is two!"
Funny Funny x 1 View List

Offline Ricky F

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 106
  • Karma 20
  • Yep it's me!
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #30 on: February 08, 2019, 06:30:23 am »
Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,"Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming"If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
Funny Funny x 5 View List

Online Deja Blue

  • Forum Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 37930
  • Karma 2937
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #31 on: February 16, 2019, 06:11:08 pm »
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"

Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
Funny Funny x 3 View List

Offline Ricky F

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 106
  • Karma 20
  • Yep it's me!
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #32 on: February 18, 2019, 06:53:36 am »
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
Agree Agree x 1 View List

Offline Cygnus-X1

  • Forum Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13584
  • Karma 320
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #33 on: March 11, 2019, 10:59:53 pm »
Lmao 🤣
I like the good jokes Ricky!
Some see space as the void and time as a constant when neither is true.
Cygnus-X1

You don't get rich writing science fiction. If you want to get rich, you start a religion.
~ L. Ron Hubbard

Offline Prince

  • Forum Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 22910
  • Karma 228
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #34 on: March 17, 2019, 10:02:52 am »
Here is something you may like.

https://youtu.be/I-Tc9s41lME
An inch of time is an inch of gold but you can't buy that inch of time with an inch of gold.

Offline Cygnus-X1

  • Forum Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13584
  • Karma 320
Re: Joke Of The Day
« Reply #35 on: March 18, 2019, 01:42:58 am »
I hope that was only a joke.
Damn
Some see space as the void and time as a constant when neither is true.
Cygnus-X1

You don't get rich writing science fiction. If you want to get rich, you start a religion.
~ L. Ron Hubbard